The Beginning of COVID
Postpartum is hard. Dealing with a pandemic feels unprecedented. But put both together, and you have yourself a situation that you never imagined was a possibility. I don’t think any of us imagined that it would go on this long. (It’s now mid-August and we still have restrictions on normal, everyday life activities, five months after this started.)
Moreover, I greatly underestimated how the pandemic situation would influence my postpartum experience, and vice versa. In fact, I didn’t even think about that initially. When the lockdowns started, I was just over two months postpartum. It was about one month since my parents had left, and we were finally getting into a rhythm of life as a family of three. Mark was going to his graduate classes, and I was home most of the day with Max and our dog Zoey.
Creating a Postpartum Community
I was also starting to fulfill my resolve of not isolating myself as I had done while in Germany. I wanted to get out and make mom friends, surrounding myself with a community. I signed up for a series of infant massage group classes at the Navy Family Life center. I began going to the monthly coffee meetups at our community center. I made a friend in the neighborhood whose husband is one of Mark’s classmates. We met up for walks to the playground, her 3-year-old playing while Max napped and we talked. I signed up for the New Parent Support Program and had a home visit from a lactation consultant.
I definitely wasn’t a social butterfly and did spend most of my time at home, but I was making an effort to not be a total recluse. When the lockdown started, I was blind to how that would take its toll on me eventually. There’s a difference between staying home by choice and not being ALLOWED to go out.
My Initial Postpartum Experience
Postpartum is a tricky thing and every woman experiences it differently. I think what has thrown me for a loop is that I have felt worse the further away I get from having given birth.
That first month postpartum was actually pretty good! My parents were here and were the best help for us getting our new home set up and adjusting to life with a newborn. They cooked meals for us, took me and Max to appointments and shopping trips while Mark was in class, helped care for Max, and were simply moral support during what can be a tough time. I didn’t really struggle with the baby blues, except for sometimes at night I would feel unusually sad.
Life was more difficult at times after my parents went home. I felt like the baby blues that was staved off by their presence hit me for about a week or two. I also dealt with much anxiety and intrusive thoughts about horrible yet unrealistic things that could happen to Max. When he was almost two months old, we finally bought an Owlet smart sock to monitor his heart rate and oxygen levels. That helped bring me peace of mind that he was okay while he slept, and intrusive thoughts about his safety subsided for the most part. By then, I felt mentally pretty good.
Pandemic + Postpartum Health Challenges
“15 days to slow the spread” has now turned into 5 months. Max is now over 7 months old, and I look back on the majority of his life sometimes with disbelief. Is this really the life we’re living? How the heck did we get here? It feels unbelievable that we’ve been under such restrictions since March of this year, and I’m not sure when it will end for us in California.
When Max turned 3 months old is when I think things started to go downhill for me. Because he started sleeping through the night and I wasn’t feeding him overnight, I got my cycle back. I began struggling with bloating, psoriatic-type rash, and joint pain. (Actually, I’ve had increased joint pain ever since giving birth.) Mental health struggles also began to crop up more frequently and intensely, which I will refer to generally as “anxiety” due to not wanting to talk specifics at this time.
I was feeling so poorly that I finally reached out to the NaProTECHNOLOGY doctor I had briefly worked with earlier in my postpartum via telemedicine. She is also a functional medicine doctor, so I knew she would be able to help with these issues that had returned after mostly conquering them pre-pregnancy. I suspected an autoimmune flare and that appears to be happening according to a blood test. I now have a couple other tests I need to do in order to have more clarity on how to go about treatment in a holistic way.
Postpartum Mental Health Struggles
But what has been the hardest to handle postpartum is the mental health side, which has most certainly been compounded by the pandemic. I didn’t think it would affect me in this way.
I’m not completely debilitated by my mental health struggles, but they certainly impact my day-to-day. I’m able to hide it well, but it is exhausting. I’m not able to put as much effort and concentration into what I want to accomplish with my business, because my priority is caring for Max and I only have so much mental bandwidth. Increasingly I feel like I’m not even giving my best to Max all the time and am just trying to get through the day.
The worst part about it all is that the way I cope with these issues is by staying busy, both physically and mentally. Couple that with my night owl nature and having an infant, I’m burning the candle on both ends as far as sleep goes. Relaxing and having downtime, as much as I need it, feels very uncomfortable because then those negative thoughts and feelings come flooding in. Even scrolling social media can be anxiety-provoking.
Craving a Sense of Community
Postpartum plus a pandemic is no joke. I think I’m also mourning the fact that we aren’t getting to experience Monterey to the fullest due to the shutdown, and we had so greatly looked forward to living here. In less than a year, we’ll be at a new duty station and Max will be 18 months old.
Being isolated while postpartum with a new baby is also a very hard experience, and one that I was trying to avoid. My mom recently asked me what makes me feel better, and I said that socializing with others helps me to feel normal. I crave that sense of community with other moms so much, and it gets me outside of my head. But it’s hard in the age of COVID when you’re not sure how cautious other people want to be. Plus there’s the threat of being cited if you are caught breaking the rules. Max’s issue with gaining enough weight has also added to my anxiety. (But that’s a story for another day!)
I’m not really sure where this blog post is going, but basically I want to say: I don’t have it all together. I know it’s not trendy to say that. But the fact is that I’m mentally exhausted on many days because of how my brain works. Some women long for a pedicure and massage as a postpartum escape – I would simply like to lend my cranium to someone else for a couple hours and just feel normal. It also would be great to have a break from the constant reminders in public to wear a mask and maintain social distancing – as if every human being is a potential threat.
But time marches on as it always does. (Or maybe it doesn’t since it feels like we’ve been living Groundhog Day for the past five months?) I’m hoping that once we address my physical ailments, the mental health struggles will subside. Gut and autoimmune issues are closely connected to brain issues.
Moving Forward
In the meantime, I’m trying to take each day as it comes and not look too far into the future with what-ifs. (Though that’s easier said than done, right?) Nothing about the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy and postpartum has been normal, although I have to say that pregnancy was much easier mentally. Pregnancy was impacted by military life: living in Germany, moving back to the U.S., and living in a hotel up till giving birth. It was tough but also thrilling at times, and I relished how it would make a great story.
Yet of course I also do not wish away the present, with our precious Max by my side each day. He’s been the bright light in our lives during this insane year of 2020, and I can’t imagine living it without him! As tough as postpartum has been during a pandemic, I can imagine how insanely difficult infertility would’ve been during this time. As crappy as I feel sometimes, I try not to forget where we came from and the infertility struggle of two years ago.
COVID won’t last forever, and neither will postpartum troubles. But some days, it’s easy to get stuck in the downward spiral of anxious thoughts and feelings. I usually like to end my blog posts on an uplifting or philosophical note. But I want to say that if you’re struggling during this time, postpartum or not, I feel you. There’s nothing I can say that can make things better, but hopefully some solidarity helps you not feel so alone.