Today’s “Warriors in the Wait” story will step into new territory for this series so far. It’s a privilege to have Holly share her difficult story of recurrent miscarriage, infant loss, and how NaPro Technology helped in this seemingly hopeless situation. Having a doctor that is proactive and willing to answer any and all questions, like Holly’s, is truly a gift from God. Holly is also special to me personally because she has been my FertilityCare Practitioner (Creighton instructor)! I love that not only has she been teaching for 17 years, but she’s also been a NaPro patient herself. Her empathy in invaluable! I am so grateful to have her on our fertility team and as part of this series.
“That could never happen to me”
Once upon a time, I lived in a land of blissful ignorance and arrogance that this type of loss would never touch me.
Why would it? I had experienced healthy pregnancies. I had welcomed living children into this world. I was so incredibly blessed. I knew that. But, I did not know what a blessing it truly was to have made it through multiple healthy pregnancies and live births without any loss.
I lived in a bubble.
Well, that bubble burst soon enough. My world was first shattered in November 2012. I had just found out I was pregnant, and was scared and excited all at the same time. We were excited, don’t get me wrong. I was just scared.
The Loss of Maryrose
I lost Maryrose a week after I found out I was pregnant. I sat in an emergency room all alone praying her life would not be taken from me. My prayers were not answered. I blamed myself. I blamed my lack of immediate excitement for her life. I told myself it was punishment for not being super excited about being pregnant. I blamed myself for riding Space Mountain at Disney World the weeks before. It was my fault she died.
At that time, I felt so alone. I did not know anyone that had lost a baby. I did not talk about my loss because I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to hear it from me. I also felt like I was so early that I didn’t have a right to grieve publicly.
I was blessed to have what some people call a “rainbow baby” after my loss of Maryrose.
High Hopes in the Second Trimester
Fast forward to 2016. We were excited to find out we were expecting again. My pregnancy was going along as normal with my severe sickness. Everyone was excited to find out the sex, which we would reveal on Christmas Day.
Then, two days before I went in for my 16 week checkup with my OB, I began to feel better. The nausea was subsiding. I just thought it was because I was in my second trimester. I was wrong.
I will never forget that Monday. I remember what I was wearing, what all I did that day, and every moment from the time the nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat until the ultrasound showed my limp, little girl’s body.
I screamed in horror and felt a pain that I had never experienced before. It was as if someone had stabbed me in my heart and then ripped it out.
The Loss of Mary Catherine
We delivered my precious, fully-formed Mary Catherine the next day. She was perfect with two eyes, a nose, mouth, little hands and little feet with ten fingers and ten toes. We held her and took pictures. It was joy and sorrow mixed together. Then we buried our little girl.
This time around I had so much support from family and friends. I decided to not be silent this time. I talked about my loss. And, you know what? Everyone I met had lost at least one baby, if not more.
Everyone I meet now has been touched by pregnancy and infant loss. It is a club I would not wish my worst enemy to be part of.
How does NaProTechnology factor into my story of pregnancy loss?
NaPro Technology and Recurrent Miscarriage
My first miscarriage, Maryrose, was brushed off by my standard medical provider. No testing or explanation was offered. I was disappointed to say the least.
But when I talked with my NaProTechnology OB about my history, he took it seriously. Unfortunately, we lost Mary Catherine at 16 weeks. My NaPro did not brush it off. He did every test under the sun to find out what happened. I finally felt like I had the support I had been looking for several years prior when we had lost Maryrose.
We discovered I had some issues with my thyroid and possible blood clotting issues. My progesterone had been low but was being supplemented during pregnancy.
My view of my fertility was changed the day I delivered Mary Catherine not breathing. I have looked at my fertility not so much as a burden anymore. Life is so fragile. Carrying a baby to term is a truly a gift.
Losing Two More Babies
My NaProTechnology doctor has been with me through it all. I so much wanted to carry another baby to term. Unfortunately for me, I lost two more babies back-to-back after Mary Catherine. I lost Samuel and Anne, both at 5 weeks. I had very abnormal cycles those months and was not taking my progesterone correctly due to the abnormalities in my cycles.
I did the labs as soon as I found out I was pregnant both times. I tested my HCG and progesterone levels. It was devastating to see them fall and then begin bleeding. We waited to tell our children until a few weeks later. They had lost three siblings in a span of six months. They watched us bury our Mary Catherine, and then grieve the loss of two more babies. They were beyond devastated.
We had somewhat given up on having another living child. I had been working on coming to peace with that. It was so very painful to lose three babies in less than a year. Recurrent pregnancy loss is extremely painful. It was hard to be hopeful and it is easy to give into despair.
Hope on Hold
So, when we found out we were pregnant again after our 16-year wedding anniversary, we were not hopeful. This time I refused to do the HCG and progesterone labs right away. I would take my progesterone and see what happened. I fully expected not to have this baby past five weeks.
Well, my NaPro doctor was ready when we passed the 5-week mark. We did the most monitoring I have ever had during a pregnancy. I was 43 years old. I was pregnant after recurrent pregnancy loss. My anxiety was seriously through the roof! It was by far the hardest pregnancy emotionally and psychologically for me.
But my NaPro doctor was with me every step of the way. He was truly on top of my labs, my progesterone and thyroid levels. He was on top of my blood clotting issues. He monitored me and appeased my anxiety with additional monitoring. He answered all my questions, no matter how silly.
He was there at one of the most emotional times of my life: the delivery of my baby girl, Marianna. So many emotions and tears were in that moment the first time I held my baby girl.
Emotional Healing from Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
So much healing has occurred in our family. We are so blessed to have our Marianna. I know she would not be here without my NaPro doctor and the healing power of NaProTechnology.
It took a long time to process the grief of losing my daughter on November 16, 2016 and then two more babies in the same year. I have been angry, sad, confused, and scared.
I have learned that I need to talk about my babies. I need to say their names and I need to tell others how I feel, no matter how uncomfortable it makes them.
I need to acknowledge my feelings, my struggles, my grief. Grief is an unexpected journey. It can hit you over the head out of nowhere. It’s like a wave washing over you. You can be going along just fine, then BAM – a tidal wave of grief can knock you to your knees.
I want to not only honor the lives of my Maryrose, Mary Catherine, Samuel, and Anne, but also to let women and couples know they are not alone. There is support out there! If you have lost a baby, no matter how early, you are a mom!
You Are Not Alone!
I miss my babies every day. The pain is deep. I have hope in God. I now count the days until I will get to meet them in Heaven. My children talk to their siblings in prayer and remember them as well. They know they have intercessors in Heaven.
I do not know God’s plan this side of Heaven, but I know I was blessed to be chosen as the mom of Maryrose, Mary Catherine, Samuel, and Anne.
I also know there is hope and healing in NaProTechnology! I am beyond grateful for the gift of NaProTechnology in helping me overcome recurrent pregnancy loss.
Biography:
Holly Baril has been married to her best friend, Tommy, for 17 years. They reside in Dallas with their children. She is the Certified FertilityCare Practitioner in charge of In Touch Fertility Care Services. Holly is passionate about empowering women and couples with knowledge about their fertility health. Holly loves journeying alongside women and couples, helping them overcome infertility, miscarriage, and other fertility health issues. You can find more about Holly and her fertility coaching services by going to www.intouchfertility.com.