Happy Easter and welcome to another Warriors in the Wait feature! Sarah is the first of many ladies who submitted her story to me even though we’ve never personally interacted. I am humbled at the vulnerability and trust that she and others have displayed by telling their story to a perfect stranger. I take this task of giving others a voice in their infertility journey very seriously. While I may not be working a “real” nurse job currently, I still feel like one because of the precious stories that people tell me. It’s an honor and a privilege to share them. Sarah’s story is filled with search for the truth, hope, heartbreak, and a miracle – and don’t think that a “miracle” just means a baby. It is so much more!
Suspecting Endometriosis
Long before I married, I always believed I would have fertility issues. This is probably because I suspected that I had endometriosis. Little did I know, that would be one of many health issues I would struggle with for the next five years.
Not only did endometriosis run in my family, but I experienced debilitating pain every single month. Doctors routinely told me that this pain was normal. I was told to pop some painkillers or even birth control pills so I wouldn’t need to miss school, work, or social engagements nearly every cycle. Doctors assured me that they didn’t “feel” endometriosis via external examinations and they didn’t see it during ultrasounds. Supposedly, this was proof that I didn’t have endometriosis. I spent the next several years taking copious amounts of ibuprofen that barely took the edge off.
The Start of Our Infertility
After marrying my love, Jeremy, we decided to grow our family right away. Even though several months had gone by, doctors refused to see me until we had tried to conceive for an entire year. This “one year rule” drove me crazy because I knew my body needed healing and I wanted to start that process immediately. Deciding to start on my own, I poured hours into reading exactly what fertility treatments were available. I was so disheartened to find out that intrauterine insemination (IUI) and in vitro fertilization (IVF) seemed to be the top runners for treatments. Having moral objections to these procedures, I couldn’t imagine that the Church would leave us “fruitless” mothers-in-waiting with no alternative. Not knowing what to do next, I Googled “Catholic infertility.” Next came the tidal wave of information from the Pope Paul VI Institute about NaPro Technology. As a cradle Catholic, how was this so foreign to me?
Jeremy and I immediately dove in. What we found was an established scientific program and field of study designed to uplift, support, and heal the reproductive system. This meant there were doctors out there who wanted to find the root cause of our infertility. They were doctors who would want to heal my painful periods – not mask it with pills. We jumped all in, but I wouldn’t say we didn’t look back.
Disheartened by the Standard Advice
Our one year of trying finally arrived, and I decided that I needed to find out for myself what non-NaPro doctors had to offer. Our first and only visit to the conventional fertility clinic went like this: first, we paid $400 for blood tests, and the lady who took our money said, “This won’t be the last time you pay a bill like this.” Then, after an ultrasound and detailing our medical history, we met the doctor. She told us many infertility cases are unexplained and, in those situations, IUI and IVF were recommended. She gave us a chart that explained IUI treatments had a 5% to 13% success rate and cost between $500 to $3,000 per round. IVF had a 10% to 50% success rate with the cost starting at $16,000! Horrified, we told her we were not interested in either treatment and asked about the alternatives. She actually told us there was no need for us to come back – she apparently didn’t have an alternative. This was all before our blood results came back.
I would have crumbled in defeat right there. Maybe I would have been tempted to try IUI or IVF had I not known about NaPro Technology. Our first NaPro appointment with Dr. S was only a few weeks away and it gave me so much hope.
Starting NaPro Technology
We learned from Dr. S that a laparoscopy was the only certain way to rule out endometriosis. Based on my condition and family history, she believed it was worth having the outpatient surgery. She also taught us the benefits of eating a clean diet and taking supplements tailored to my needs. These were based on numerous blood tests and the Creighton Model System of fertility charting I had been doing daily.
Up until this point, the waves of emotion had me so unbalanced. Feelings of hope, then shattering disappointment, to shame and even loneliness. That’s a different kind of monthly cycle I had grown accustomed to. But finally, I found a doctor who wouldn’t turn me away, who listened to me, who guided me down a path that respected my faith and my body, who showed me that she had so much hope for us. I couldn’t help but feel encouraged.
After a grueling five hour surgery, Dr. S meticulously extracted severe endometriosis that had invaded my pelvis, ovary, and bladder. It was hard watching the video in the follow-up appointment, but I can’t forget seeing the laser that removed endometriosis tissue connecting an ovary to my hip. Also, my Fallopian tubes were completely blocked with endometriosis tissue. I was a mess. But not anymore after the surgery!
Surprise and Devastation
I took a week to heal. Another week went by, then another. I wasn’t surprised that my period hadn’t come since I just had surgery but decided to ask the doctor anyway. At this point I had taken several pregnancy tests and I kept seeing a very faint second line. There was no way I was pregnant. I was sure Dr. S could explain everything going on. But she did take it seriously and ordered a blood test. I was indeed pregnant!
Jeremy and I were so overjoyed! We thought, We finally found the road God wanted for us and here is our reward. All this suffering has been worth it. How naïve I was to think I knew suffering. I skipped down the path of maternal bliss for the next few weeks. We told everyone about the pregnancy, and even though my hCG hormones were not doubling as they should, I was preparing for motherhood. At the appointment where we hoped to see a thriving baby, we were instead dealt a devastating blow. Our baby was dying or maybe already dead.
I remember being in utter shock. I couldn’t speak for the remainder of the appointment. Jeremy had to ask all the questions and make the follow-up appointments. I literally couldn’t hear or compute anything. That night, the miscarriage began. Through blood and tears we experienced true agony. It was one of the few times I saw Jeremy cry. My body had betrayed me and took the life of our child. I felt that I had failed as a mother, wife, and woman. Though my husband could not have been more loving and caring, my thoughts still took to this dark direction.
Sharing the news was another type of pain. I quickly learned that miscarriage was a mostly taboo subject that made many people uncomfortable. But we did have support in some expected, and even unexpected, friends and family.
When the storm had mostly settled, I began healing in ways other than physical. I couldn’t yet forgive myself, but I did look to God for strength. I found that this child had given us so much happiness, even for so short a time, that the pain of losing her had been worth it. I knew our child was a saint and it comforts me knowing that she prays for us. We needed the prayers and we needed the hope she had given us. So, we named her after the virtue God had graciously given, knowing we still had a long and difficult journey ahead. It has been Hope who kept us going.
Holding Onto Hope and NaPro Technology
For the years following, solving my infertility became a type of part-time job for me. I had at least one doctor appointment each month, and oftentimes it was twice a month or more. I had so many ultrasounds that my sick leave at work dwindled down to almost nothing. I took a supplement cocktail each day that changed depending on where I was in my cycle. I also took various prescription medications that included hCG injections, bio-identical progesterone and estrogen, and low-dose naltrexone. I honestly couldn’t remember all of them if I tried. NaPro isn’t for the faint of heart – it’s a difficult and sometimes long process.
But what NaPro did for me was invaluable. Thanks to my laparoscopy I had almost no monthly pain. I rarely needed pain killers! My extremely low hormone levels were finally where they needed to be – which was actually a lot more difficult than just simply taking hormones. Dr. S had discovered that, though rare, I was allergic to hCG (a vital hormone for pregnancy). To overcome this, I ingested very small dosages of hCG twice a day for a year. Before, my body stopped ovulating (as well as many other unpleasant side effects) when introduced to hCG. Now, those problems are in the past.
But I still wasn’t pregnant. I was exhausted. Moreover, I was starting to have increased period pain, and I wondered whether another surgery might be the answer. If my tubes were blocked again then maybe we could recreate the previous scenario, except now my body was ready to carry a baby with all the work we had done. A second surgery proved that the endometriosis had returned and although it was less severe, my tubes were blocked again and I had adhesions (scar tissue). With everything removed and my hormones leveled, I thought it was finally our time to conceive.
The Cycle of Disappointment
However, no matter how much I planned, I never got the outcome I sought. A year later, I had a third surgery with the same diagnosis, the same hopes, and the same outcome. I could not get rid of endometriosis, plus the adhesions were getting worse. But most importantly, I still could not conceive.
At this point I was so emotionally drained. I had stopped taking pregnancy tests long ago and had stopped believing this would ever happen. I even lacked motivation to take my medication regularly. With four years in – three of those with NaPro – I was wondering when Dr. S would run out of ideas. She assured us that she would tell us before that happened but said we were getting close to that point. Something was missing.
Our hard attempts at fostering children fell through and that was the last straw for me. I started looking at the saints and tried learning from their suffering. What they all had in common was that they truly surrendered to God. My prayers had always been: “Lord, please allow us to conceive” or “Please give us children.” I don’t believe there is anything wrong with those prayers, but sitting on rock-bottom I tried something different.
Peace Through Imitating the Saints
Following the saints, I prayed like they had multiple times a day: “Let Your will be done,” “Give me courage and strength to follow You,” “Let my words be Your words, my desires be Your desires, my decisions be Your decisions.” I told God that if He didn’t want us to have children, then I would be okay with that because I knew He had a plan for me. I had faith that His plan was better than mine even if it was more difficult.
I felt peace like never before. Before, I’d have heartache at seeing other women pregnant, but now I only had joy for them. Crying myself to sleep, obsessing over my failure to conceive, and feeling shame over that perceived failure was now only in memory. I never believed I could find this peace without having a child of my own. I had believed that only a child could give me this peace, but I was so wrong. It is God who gives peace.
Like a whirlwind, life changed drastically in a very short time. I had been holding off on certain decisions for years but now felt drawn to them. I accepted a new position at work which required three months of training far from home. Afterwards, we were transferred from Los Angeles, California to Dallas, Texas. Leaving my home of 33 years gave me mixed emotions. But I wasn’t the planner of my life anymore so we kept going.
The Last Effort
Leaving Dr. S was extremely difficult. But before we did, she recommended an alternative to surgery and referred me to Clear Passage. They perform physical therapy to break up adhesions and other blockages, allowing the reproductive system to work properly. It was expensive but the transfer to new jobs allowed us to finally afford it. We decided this would be our last effort. The therapy took six long days and we were told it usually takes up to four months to heal and see results. Though I felt skeptical, I thought, Well at least we can say we really tried everything.
The move was difficult and my new job was difficult. But I kept seeing blessings at every turn. My parents and brother, sister-in-law, and their child also moved to Dallas! How truly fortunate it is to have family nearby. Jeremy’s new job proved to be better than the job he held in Los Angeles. And for the first time, we were in a position to afford an adoption! We found out that Texas adoptions are much more in demand and so much quicker. God’s plan was finally revealing itself.
Then, on November 4, 2018 – five years and two days from our wedding date – I got a positive pregnancy reading. It took several tests before allowing myself to call Dr. S. (We still worked with her remotely at this point.) After the blood test confirmed it, to say that we were shocked would be an understatement. I was also afraid to be too happy. I knew what might happen again. We only told immediate family as we anxiously waited for those hCG results. Blood tests were taken every other day for two weeks. I waited for bad news every day while another part of me was in awe of the life inside me.
But our baby was healthy and is still thriving within me. It’s a high-risk pregnancy because of a condition I was born with, called Phenylketonuria (PKU). But despite the odds, this pregnancy has been miraculously boring! Our little boy is reminding us everyday how small we are and how mighty God is.
Rejoicing in God’s Goodness
NaPro is a wonderful blessing that continues to provide. Dr. S prescribed much needed progesterone supplementation during the first and second trimesters when the local OB/GYN would not. NaPro will always be a part of my life because it has supported my life and my child’s life. But it was still not enough: I believe God allowed our suffering to be part of the equation in order for us to learn how to rely on Him.
Infertility and miscarriage are scars that I will always carry. Bearing a child hasn’t changed that. It’s been very challenging to enjoy this pregnancy even now that I’m in the third trimester. Anything I perceive as irregular has me in terrible fear. Telling people of the pregnancy mostly has given me anxiety instead of joy. It isn’t my having a child that “fixes” infertility – it is my faith in God and in His plan for me that will only ever provide peace. Knowing that this great blessing within me came at a great cost doesn’t ever upset me. The journey has been well worth all that we have gained.
“Pain is part of being human. Anyone who really wanted to get rid of suffering would have to get rid of love before anything else, because there can be no love without suffering, because it always demands an element of self-sacrifice.” ~Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Biography:
Sarah Mattingly was born and raised in Southern California. She earned her Bachelor’s Degree from California State University, Fullerton and directly began work in Los Angeles. It was at work where she met and fell in love with Jeremy Mattingly. They were married on November 2, 2013. Sarah and Jeremy love camping and visiting national and state parks. They’ve adopted two rescue pups who have become part of the family. Currently, they are living and working in Dallas, Texas as they eagerly await the arrival of their son in July 2019.
Diane says
You are an inspiration! I loved all your insights on suffering, about God being the giver of peace, and learning how to rely on God. Thank you for sharing your story!