This is something I’ve dragged my feet on writing about for awhile. Honestly, it can cause some anxiety at times to share because it is SUCH a personal thing to talk about. Somehow, it’s societally okay to joke with a newly-married couple, “So when will the kids be coming?” but uncomfortable to talk about the delayed inability to have said kids. Growing up (and remaining) in the Catholic Church, one gets the idea that most every Catholic is pretty fertile with the larger families that exist. You never start out your married life thinking you’ll have issues.
Well, I’m breaking the stigma by sharing not just our infertility story, but the stories of many other couples. I will dig deep into the emotions that accompany infertility, but in that grief and disappointment I found hope through others’ stories and encouragement. This is what inspired me to found the “Warriors in the Wait” project, which I introduced on this website recently. Already, I have gotten over 20 submissions of people wanting to tell their infertility or miscarriage story. Some of them are still “in the wait” and some have been gifted with children. (If you want to submit your story, please fill out this Google Form!)
A Mother’s Heart
Since I believe in leading by example, I am starting off the series with our own story – or at least the first part! I have to start off with the fact that I’ve dreamed of being a mother since I was 8 years old. It has always been one of the strongest desires of my heart! But one of my deepest fears, since I was a teenager, was that I would never have children. Mark thinks that it’s because at age 13 I was told that if I didn’t have surgery to correct my scoliosis, then I’d never be able to physically carry children – and somehow that stuck in my psyche even though I did have the surgery. I don’t think it’s that. But regardless, I’ve had that fear for years without any solid reason to have it.
Fast forward to our married life. While I was in nursing school, we were avoiding pregnancy using a combination of the Sympto-Thermal and Marquette methods of fertility awareness. It was self-taught, but being medically-minded and perfectionistic I felt quite confident with the three cross-checking methods: daily basal body temperature, cervical mucus, and hormone monitoring using the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor.
However, I knew that after nursing school we’d want to start our family. I had been working on my personal health for a few years in North Carolina, under the care of a functional medicine M.D. I knew that my severe gut dysfunction could have an impact on my fertility and definitely wanted to get that and other issues cleared up. (I was having autoimmune-like skin and joint problems.) Mark also saw this same doctor and began a supplement regimen as well.
A Healthy Foundation for Pregnancy
When Mark left for his deployment to Africa at the beginning of 2017, I did a nutritional “reset” by following a stricter Paleo protocol. (This was also my senior year of nursing school.) Some food sensitivities that I’d been dealing with for years actually cleared up after completing this protocol! I felt so great and wanted to use that year of being apart to continue bettering my health, so that my body would be able to conceive a baby after the deployment. After all, I was eating a real food diet, taking high quality supplements as directed by my M.D., had a healthy weight, had lots of energy, and almost never got sick. I was only on one prescription medication, low-dose naltrexone, to balance my immune system. Sure I needed more sleep and less stress – but I was in a rigorous BSN program, after all! Overall I felt like my health was in an awesome place. I rarely had GI flareups, which was a huge improvement from a few years ago when I could barely tolerate anything. From the outside, I seemed like the perfect candidate for pregnancy.
The Emotional Cycle of Infertility
We informally starting trying to conceive over Mark’s R&R and when he returned from deployment in the fall of 2017, and started focusing on it when I arrived in Germany a few months later. However, I started becoming really worried when my fertility charts looked great but no pregnancy was happening within a few months. I started living my life based on where I was in my cycle. It went like this:
Period starts: Feelings of defeat and wanting to give up are usually present, including defeatist, flippant thoughts like, I don’t care if I EVER get pregnant. Feelings of wanting to indulge in comfort foods oftentimes come up: since I’m not pregnant it doesn’t matter if I eat healthy or not.
Post-period up to ovulation: Feelings turn positive and you start thinking, We’ll try again; surely this will be our month. It’ll happen this time!
Post-ovulation: Feelings of positivity continue and your mind is able to focus on non-fertility related things (i.e. live a normal life).
About one week into the “two week wait” or luteal phase: Feelings of over-analyzing start coming on, and Google is visited multiple times a day searching for XYZ symptom + early pregnancy. For me, PMS would usually start around this time (which is much too early).
A few days before period starts: Holding onto the last threads of hope despite a negative pregnancy test (or multiple). Also into denial that the symptoms I’m experiencing are actually PMS and not pregnancy symptoms. But also knowing deep down that the inevitable (period) will happen soon.
Period starts: The rollercoaster of emotions begins again and you wonder if you fit the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Even if you’ve never dealt with infertility, you can see just how emotionally and mentally exhausting this cycle is. I let my mood be driven by where I was in my fertility cycle. (Bad idea.) It didn’t help that I was experiencing progressively worse and worse PMS symptoms, even up to nine days before my period started! Anxiety was a huge component of this, which was definitely exacerbated by the inability to conceive. I wrote in my journal on March 19, 2018: “I am so happy that we are finally trying to get pregnant, but in a way it kind of induces some anxiety. Constantly checking my chart, hoping that we timed things right, over-analyzing every symptom…And then the disappointment when the pregnancy tests are negative.”
Making a Conception Plan
Mark and I like to sit down periodically to plan out the upcoming months, year, and even several years. After the beginning of 2018, one of our goals for the year was to become pregnant. (Yup, we wrote it on our big white board!) But we specified that if conception didn’t happen within 6 months that we would seek help with a nutritionist or some sort of holistic practitioner. Then if their guidance didn’t work after 6 more months, we’d start getting help with an OB/GYN.
As often happens with TTC (trying to conceive), I started feeling the need to seek help earlier. And in reality, this is the right thing to do despite the official medical qualification of infertility being 12 months of random, unprotected intercourse without pregnancy. In fact, I learned through Natural Womanhood that if a couple is having fertility-focused intercourse, that they are considered “infertile” after just 6 months. And we were fast approaching that.
I did wonder if my low body fat had anything to do with not being able to conceive. A few years ago I learned that I had too-low body fat at 12.9%, through a BodPod measurement on base at Ft. Bragg. The Army Wellness Center at USAG Wiesbaden also has a BodPod, so I started going there regularly to monitor my body fat. I made sure to not restrict carbohydrates, since I have a fast metabolism and restricting carbs could prevent me from gaining weight. I was at 15% at the beginning of 2018, and over the next months my body fat started to creep up!
Starting Fertility Detective Work
I started email communication in March 2018 with a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner who specializes in preconception preparation. She had a podcast with another NTP, and I loved her style and outlook. Mark was on board with getting help through her. We went back and forth via email trying to set something up, but between the time difference, Mark’s military schedule, his brother visiting, and the NTP’s morning sickness with her own pregnancy, it just never worked out.
On April 2, 2018 I was venting in my journal about not being pregnant again. But I also reflected on: “Mark is so positive about things and said, ‘There’s always next month.'” And it’s so true! I remember being in Rome last June and crying in the bathroom of a restaurant our last day there, realizing that my period was coming and it was another “failed” cycle. But I had to pull myself together because Mark’s brother was with us. After eating, Mark and I were standing outside the restaurant and I told him that I wasn’t pregnant again. In a high-pitched voice he started singing, “There’s always tomorrow for dreams to come true!” Even though I wanted to cry again, it made me chuckle. He’s been my positive better half throughout this ordeal, and while sometimes I feel isolated in my sadness, I’m so thankful for his positive outlook.
In early June the NTP reached back out to me, and I responded that after 7 months of TTC without results, we most likely needed more than just nutritional help. My body fat was at 18% by this point, which is supposed to be the minimum needed for a healthy pregnancy but obviously wasn’t making a difference. It was hard to say no to the NTP, but I know it was the right thing to do in our situation. This was the beginning of our journey with the Creighton FertilityCare Model and NaPro Technology.
Please stay tuned for Part 2, outlining our experience with restorative reproductive medicine!
Ines says
I am not trying to come off as insensitive however when you expose yourself to the public (social media) you submit yourself to various opinions. While I have never been in your shoes or experienced infertility, I noticed in your IG stories and after reading your blog, a sense of impatience. Someone like yourself who considers themselves a woman of faith, I am surprised you have not left this journey in Gods hands and will. You can’t just call yourself “Catholic” and not have faith. Everything will be done in his own time. Good luck on your journey!
Malori says
Ines, thanks for reading and leaving a comment. Regarding leaving things in God’s hands: some will take a very strict view of that and will not even pursue ethical treatment for infertility. Others, like us, pursue ethical and holistic treatment (NaPro Technology, good diet, supplements etc) while knowing that the ultimate outcome rests in God’s hands. Doing things in line with the natural order of procreation doesn’t negate trust or faith in God – it’s all about cooperation with His will and doing our part. As for the impatience, you are correct: impatience is one of my greatest faults and infertility has definitely tested that. Infertility tests many things about a person, even people of faith. As you have said, you’ve never experienced infertility, but I encourage you to come back and read the next part of our story and the upcoming stories from other couples, to learn more about what bearing the cross of infertility is like.
Annie says
“Being Catholic” doesn’t automatically give a person a heroic amount of faith, trust, or patience. These things all take time to cultivate, and in the face of adversity can be difficult to hold onto. The Catholic view of virtue IS NOT that the virtuous person perfectly exhibits patience, fortitude, faith, or whatever virtue all the time; rather, the virtue is in the struggle. The goal in this series is not to present a perfectly polished view on infertility, because frankly, that is not realistic (nor would it be interesting or helpful to read). It’s to be honest, share our experiences with one another, and to hopefully be able to struggle for those virtues all the better.
Peace.
Malori says
Thank you so much for your kind words, Annie!
Anonymous says
Being catholic and having faith doesn’t mean not doing everything you can. If I had cancer should I leave everything in God’s hands and not treat myself? The Church also encourages couples experiencing infertility to try their best, and thanks be to God, we have many things we can do to try to help naturally and medically. And this can be way harder than just doing nothing. I think you didn’t want to be hard but it might be hard to understand if you have not experienced infertility. I needed to reply because reading this comment was too hard for me, and I haven’t written the blog. Please try not to sound so hard on other people. Surely all of us could be better catholics, but if I was perfect… I wouldn’t need the Lord, think about Abraham and so many others…
Ines says
I am not trying to be hard on anyone. That was not my intention however for someone like the person writing a blog and submitting videos about being faithful and a devout Catholic, should not discount what God has planned. I know all of us can be better Catholics, including myself however if I am allowing myself to be vulnerable, talk about my faith and how important it is to me, I would not discount our God and what FAITH can do. In addition to this, when one exposes themselves to social media, expecting someone not to be critical or only wanting to “hear”, read what they want to “hear” and read is not realistic. You made the decision to expose your private life and your journey, expect ALL kinds of feedback.
Malori says
Ines, I am sharing about this journey so that others don’t feel so alone, and part of that is being honest about the raw emotions that arise. The emotions that surround infertility can be quite scary because they DO make a person question if they have enough faith in God. I even almost fell into the trap of “Maybe I’m not getting pregnant because I don’t have enough trust in God. If only I had more trust I’d become pregnant.” Please understand that this is a VERY difficult journey, and just like anyone with a health challenge that feels insurmountable at times, we need prayers and support. I know that I speak for everyone who has commented on this post. We would appreciate your prayers.
Jeanie says
Malori with you 100%. You are courageous in your Catholic faith and journey. You are not alone. Some people will never get it. This mother does. The Holy Spirit is with you and prayers of many join you a mighty warrior❤️
Malori says
Thank you so much. It is a comfort having family members who get it! Love you so much and thank you for your continued prayers!