Thanks for returning to read the second part of Daisy’s infertility story as part of the Warriors in the Wait project! If you missed Part 1, make sure to read that first here: https://www.warriorlifewellness.com/faith-loss-redemption-part-1/. I’m sure that if you have read it already, you’re on pins and needles to know how her story turns out.
A New Leaf
After months of grieving the loss of our baby I decided I needed to make drastic changes from the inside out. One of the biggest decisions was to get my health back on track. I had lost close to 10 pounds that summer and needed to get healthier. I also realized my anxiety was propelled by my workload and stress from being a teacher. My husband had already asked me to take time off from teaching to regroup. I finally decided to go all-in with battling infertility. So, I wrote a letter of resignation to my principal, turned in my keys, and cleared my classroom. After six years of teaching I walked down the stairs of that high school for the last time. I also started going to weekday Mass at our church and lighting candles for my prayers. I cleared out my clothing clutter and got rid of a lot of “teacher clothes” and decided to take it one step further.
My entire life I had been known for my long brown locks and super straight hair. People always asked what straighter or shampoo I used. I never even used a blow dryer. It was just hair genes, and I typically kept the length past the middle of my back. I had never colored or dyed my hair. As an avid YouTube beauty and make up tutorial binge-watcher, I decided I was going to get a new look. I went to a local salon and cut close to 12 inches off, dyed my hair with ashy blonde highlights, with messy beach waves throughout. My friends and family were shocked when they saw me at my mom’s 60th birthday party. I felt lighter, and I knew there was only one thing in my way at this point: my outlook.
A New Attitude
In kindergarten my teacher, Mrs. Jennifer, had the play centers color coded. The “pink center” was for the house, and it had a toy kitchenette, a baby crib, a little sofa, a chest full of tea party sets, and talking babies. There was also the Lego center, and reading, puzzles, and block centers. She would consistently get onto me for not following the rules.
“Daisy, sweetie, what do you do when the music stops?” Mrs. Jennifer asked.
“You move to the next play center,” I said, irritated that she was blocking the crib.
“Then why have you stayed in the house center for two rotations?” she calmly stated.
“Because I’m feeding the babies. And then they have to go to sleep. And if someone else comes here they won’t make them lunch,” I said with furrowed eyebrows.
“How about we let Susie make them lunch and you go play Legos,” she said, and walked me to the Lego table.
Infertility hurt deep inside my soul because being a mother was woven into my DNA. I babysat all through middle school and high school. I tutored at an elementary school before my first period class in high school. I was a long-term nanny in college. I became a teacher to work with youth. There was not a day in my life that I did not think about having my own kids. It truly hit me like a freight train when I was in the whirlwind of infertility. After my miscarriage I wanted to redirect my hurt and anger to peace and love. I wanted to learn to accept infertility. I changed my outlook. I spent time reading instead of on my phone, took quiet walks alone, and sat on a bench at a park and people watched. I wanted to taste life again, and to love my life despite infertility.
Back to the Creighton Model
About 5 months later I decided to go see Dr. J and come up with a plan to try getting pregnant again. He told me to start the same therapy as before since it worked, but to tweak the dosage of progesterone. He assured me that I could get pregnant again, but we just needed to be vigilant.
Three cycles after restarting the protocol, I found out I was pregnant again. This time my reaction was to cry from fear of losing the pregnancy. Dr. J saw me the next day at the clinic, took some blood, and told me to come back for the results. I prayed so much that this was it, that we could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
At the next appointment, Dr. J discussed that the level of my HCG was very low. He told me to go home, pray, and get some rest. He also stated that, in all honesty, I should prepare for another miscarriage. This time it felt like the center of the earth had stopped pulsating. Everything around me froze. I could not accept that this was happening.
“But, there’s still hope…isn’t there?” I quivered.
“Hope? Oh yes, Daisy, there is always hope. Miracles happen every day,” Dr. J placidly whispered.
I was about 4 weeks at that appointment. He said we would check with an ultrasound in two weeks, if my body held onto the baby that long. Those were the longest days of my life. I was on my knees bellowing for a miracle and asking God to have mercy.
The Ultrasound
This time I asked my husband to stand by the exam table and hold my hand. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest as we waited for Dr. J. Manny told me to calm down and breathe. At six weeks and one day I saw a little kidney bean-sized image on the monitor and a flickering heart. I sobbed out loud and breathed in oxygen like it was the first time I’d ever breathed. Dr. J said the sac was developing and baby was in there! We discussed the plan, and he told me it was still high risk and to rest as much as possible. I told him that I quit teaching and I was planning to do everything in my power to stay calm and healthy.
Our Rainbow Baby
Dr. J followed my pregnancy closely and I got ultrasounds every few weeks in the first trimester. Each ultrasound print was a milestone. At 20 weeks we found out we were having a baby boy! The months that followed were equally as happy as they were long. On one hand I wanted time to speed up so I could hold my baby. On the other hand, I wanted to keep him inside me for fear of something happening. It turns out that our son took his time to meet us: he figured he would miss his due date and stay in an extra week.
At 41 weeks I went into labor and Dr. J was there to deliver our son. When the nurses checked me in, I told them it was probably a false alarm. But the nurse checked me and said I was 6 cm dilated: more than halfway there! After my water broke, Dr. J asked if I wanted an epidural. I told him I wanted to attempt going all-natural. The truth of the matter is that my body had let me down time and time again; but with this pregnancy it restored my faith in myself. It had carried our baby to term. And despite all the obstacles, we made it to this point. I wanted to feel the pain. It sounds odd but my emotional scars were still deep. Infertility almost broke me. I wanted to push the baby without an epidural because I wanted to feel every contraction, every push, every pull, every wiggle. I wanted to heal my past.
At 3:04 pm in a hospital bed, I pushed with all my heart, I pushed for our family, I pushed harder to hear my baby’s first cry, and when I felt like I had nothing left in me I pushed even harder because I wanted to give a symbolic “F* you” to infertility.
Samuel Elliot Carrasquillo was born August 2, 2017 at 7 pounds 6 ounces. The day he took his first breath was the day I beat infertility.
As he lay on my chest I felt the warmth of his body, and I told him he was my miracle boy. He is the light of our lives and he was worth every tear, every needle prick, every medication, surgery, and most of all, he was worth the wait. If I had not struggled with infertility I would have never found NaPro Technology. Because of NaPro it led me to Dr. J and his caring team. From my greatest strife came my greatest gift.
Post-Partum Surprise
As it goes with first-time moms, I had a big learning curve when Samuel came home. I was so busy caring for his needs and keeping up with our day-to-day household that I did not do Creighton charting immediately because there was a breastfeeding/postpartum protocol. I had switched within the first month to bottle feeding for various reasons and did not get back to charting until my menstrual cycle came back. I got my first period late in September 2017. October was a whirlwind and I did not notice any significant changes, so I delayed charting and decided to start fresh in November. By Thanksgiving I noticed I still did not have my period. I chalked it up as post-partum “weird body stuff.” I knew it would probably arrive soon. But I honestly forgot about it with my new-found infatuation of being with Samuel 24/7.
Before I realized it, it was Christmas Eve 2017. I scratched my head, thinking maybe I missed charting my period because of my sleep-deprived mental fog. My husband was giving Samuel his bottle and I went to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test, just to be sure I wasn’t pregnant. I knew I would need intervention to even come close to getting pregnant again.
Christmas Eve night I got two dark, solid pink lines.
I ran out to Manny and yelled “Holy s***, I’m pregnant!”
My husband’s eyes widened, and the man who never stops talking was in complete silence.
Our Second Pregnancy via NaPro
I immediately called Dr. J’s personal cell phone that he gave me, assuming I would leave a voicemail due to the holiday. He picked up and greeted me happily. When I told him I was pregnant he let out a chuckle and told me to start my progesterone that night. We informally agreed to set up an appointment for the new year.
Within three months’ time with no medicine, injections, or protocol I had achieved my second miracle pregnancy. With the help of NaPro Technology we monitored hormone levels, and I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen in the beginning of 2018. At 20 weeks we saw a feisty little wiggle worm who Dr. J said was another boy. We were elated, and Samuel was going to be a big brother. Our family was just as elated! I was in awe of God’s plan for my life. He sent me one heaven baby and two earth babies through NaPro Technology. I know that I would not have my boys if the sequence of events had not occurred as they did.
Our Little Baby Boy
I started having labor pains the night of Samuel Elliot’s first birthday. Our baby was due that weekend but I checked into the hospital just in case this was it. I was dilated and sent to labor and delivery. The next afternoon, our son Daniel Elias Carrasquillo was born into our family. He was 6 pounds 5 ounces, and he is exactly 12 months and 1 day apart from his brother. I had him with one long hard push, again without pain medication. We were overjoyed with our newest baby boy, and as soon as we got home he fit right into our family. Dr. J delivered both my boys and handed them to me as soon as they came out. I do not have enough words to express my love and admiration for Dr. J! The Lord truly inspires his daily work and uses him as His instrument.
We kept the recliner I had bought for our first baby, and although I never rocked Baby C, I have rocked Samuel and Daniel in that chair for every feeding, nap time, sick day cuddles, and bedtime stories. Every time I hold them close I think of our first baby.
Healing the Past
Not a day goes by when I do not thank God for my sons. I beat infertility, and have come to terms with a lot of the challenges I faced. I will never have a definite answer as to why my route to motherhood was the road less traveled. But I know that today I have tiny fingerprints on my windows, cracker crumbs in my purse, and the Baby Shark song stuck in my head. If I had to do it all over again to have my boys, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I want my boys to always know that: we fought hard for you and we deeply love you!
“The wound is where the light enters you.” -Rumi
Daisy Carrasquillo is married to Manuel Carrasquillo and is a stay-at-home mom to her rumbustious and sweet toddler Samuel Elliot and her happy-go-lucky baby Daniel Elias. She is a Baylor University graduate with a B.A. degree in Biology, pre-healthcare concentration, and pre-optometry. She holds a Texas teaching license and is a former high school science teacher. She enjoys reading to her boys, drinking espressos, writing, reading poetry, and spending time with her husband
Diane says
What a beautiful story! So much angst, but so much happiness and fulfillment! I’m so happy for you! Your story will give many people hope, I’m sure!